Happening Pigeon

Sudden downpour at the beginning of the year wreaked havoc with Happ’s health for the past few days. Since he is despicably poor, Happ was forced to wear wet clothes the next day. He got so high a fever that he started coughing and sneezing coins! That’s right. It’s just one of his superpowers – whenever he’s ill, he coughs or sneezes coins! He makes money when he’s unwell!

Anyway, Happ has been regularly spotted with his pigeon in a number of cities recently, making everyone take note of his newfound transportation mode. This has hurt the egos of tech and travel companies across the globe. It is absolutely astounding to see some of the biggest of them going out of their ways to make Happ adopt the use of a smartphone. Since the day Happ started using his multi-purpose pigeon, these companies are fearing being deserted by their customers. In an attempt to avoid that, they have been making great strides in technology to rope Happ back in. Let’s look at a few of them:

1. Google: Google has said that it’ll bring out new updates to its Translate app. Google Translate, in the future, will have the capacity to auto-recognize popular languages and translate them into text in real time! That’ not it. It will also let you capture snapshots of signs, menus and so on, and then translate it onscreen. What they don’t know is that Happ’s pigeon, in addition to all these features also translates the language of animals! Do you think Google Translate does that?
2. WhatsApp: They are saying that their app will soon have a voice-calling facility. But do they know that Happ already talks with others through his pigeon? Happ also freely messages others and receives the same without the need of any blue-coloured double-tick marks through his pigeon!
3. In an attempt to make Happ travel by air, the Tata Group and Singapore Airlines’ JV Vistara took to the skies on  Friday from Delhi to Mumbai. However they made two mistakes: Firstly, Happ lives in Bangalore. How can they even expect the highly respected Happ to offload halfway in Mumbai? And secondly, they’re too late. Happ has now got a pigeon for his transportation needs after his Dust Particle was confiscated by the Indian Government. You have got to be really fast to impress Happ or else you won’t have a chance.

As the news of Happ’s pigeon spread far and wide, India started witnessing a rise in the visits of migratory birds. Just one of the examples being that the Chilika Lake has seen a marginal increase in the migratory bird population from 7.19 lakh birds in 2014 to 7.61 lakh in 2015. About 172 species instead of the 158 species an year ago. This should easily be attributed to Happ’s threat to vultures and also the fact that Happ himself has a bird in his house.

The Department of Industrial Policy and Promotion, seeing Happ more often these days, has big plans to rope in some investment into India. They plan to persuade the US to invest in India during the Make in India Show in Washington on January 20. They expect more companies to invest in India following Happ’s heroics. This also gives the Americans a chance to placate Happ after Kim Kardashian had cancelled her visit to India.

On the sports side, Lionel Messi has denied that he is leaving Barcelona. It should be noted that Happ’s protege Neymar also plays for the same team. Naturally, it makes sense for Messi to learn from Neymar all the tricks taught to him by Happ.

When most of the things go well, some definitely do not, right? That’s what happens with Happ’s life everyday. Though it was a good day for him, the Journal of the American Heart Association has published a study saying that almonds help to reduce belly fat. Just one of the many incidents which break his heart on a day to day basis.

The Budget Session Negligence

The moment he heard the helpless crunch across the ocean of his protégé Neymar’s back cracking like a wafer, Happening Babua vowed to seek vengeance by crippling whoever the shamelessly-irresponsible player from Columbia was. He called upon The Dust Particle to take him straight down to Brazil so that justice can be done… justice which even FIFA has failed to bring about. But anticipating the international conflicts because of whatever Happ was about to do, the Indian government confiscated The Dust Particle making Happ’s travel plans a washout.

Furious at the turn of the events, Happening did not respond to anyone for a day until he was called to attend the 1st day of the budget session of Lok Sabha in New Delhi. This was a goodwill gesture by the government to placate Happ and also a way to take his mind off the World Cup. With a new-found hope to witness something profoundly different, something spectacular, Happ flew over there by piloting a private airline as a freelancer and sat in the session. But alas, as it turned out to be, it was the same. The government taking a stand and the opposition creating a ruckus…. something every Indian is used to see on the television since childhood and sometimes even for family entertainment during get-togethers. However, this time in the parliament even though the parties are the same, the roles are different.

Dejected by the session, which was meant to check the rising prices but instead turned into a focus area for something called as the Leader of Opposition, Happening decided to leave for Bangalore mid-way after lunch from the nearest canteen filled with the stench of black money trickling down the pockets of most of these white-clothed people who rule the country (so as to say).

Now that his The Dust Particle had been confiscated, Happening no longer had the luxury of a private mode of travel. Hence he decided to try out something which he hadn’t done since the Zinedine Zidane headbutt incident in the 2006 World Cup… an aggressive gesture invented and taught by Happening which had caused an international uproar when it came under the limelight unexpectedly. That was the last time Happening sat in a  train… as people literally wet their pants anticipating the same manoeuvre from him if anything untoward happened. But today, after a long break Happening finally decided to take a train. He decided to take a 3rd tier AC instead of the Sleeper class which is now notoriously known for alien travellers like rats, snakes and even goats or sheep. Being a yoga enthusiast, Happ straight away settled for the top birth as he has all the combination of reptilian, avian and simian manoeuvres which other humans have lost without a damn, largely due to evolution.

Now it’s all about forgetting this unforgettable day and devising a new mode of instantaneous real-time transportation for the hapless Happ which no one can confiscate in the future.

Mission Mangalyaan-ic Telepathy

After the tremendous success with Brazilian Neymar’s current form, the ISRO has decided to rope in the legendary Happening Babua for a costly mission.

Hold on. Did you miss something? Well…because of the big heart that I have,  I’m willing to tell you the preceding events in a nutshell.

Happening Babua doesn’t really have a fixed job. Whether he deserves it or not is an altogether different issue…a highly sensitive one in that regard, but our hero doesn’t believe in having one. The goal he has set for himself till 2020 is to become the ‘The Master of All Trades And The Jack of None’. Yeah…that’s right. And definitely realistic considering the vast experience Happ has by working in almost 367 job profiles.

In 2012 when Gangnam Style became a YouTube sensation, Psy was getting a lot of queries regarding his dancing and horse-riding skills – which remained a big mystery at the time. But finally after immense pressure from Justin Bieber and his manager he revealed his success mantra – Happening Babua. Happ had actually devised a deadly combo of dance and horse-riding moves, and had given Psy the rights to use this patented dance-riding moves. He also taught him how to embed the contagious virus so that it becomes a viral YouTube video.

After this ‘Revelation of the Decade’, a lot of football players started contacting Happening to coach them with some really breathtaking moves. After a tiring shortlisting procedure which lasted for almost 2 months involving pronouncing the players’ names, Happening finally decided to coach Neymar from Brazil as that’s the easiest to pronounce, in addition to the fact that it’s a combination of two Hindi words. And now…the rest is history. You can surf the net and get a hang of Neymar’s current game-form and compare it to his past. Happ is really-really a legendary megastar who has been somehow pushed to the background due to Rajinikanth’s immense popularity among the children of India.

Now that the FIFA World Cup is about to begin, Happ has stopped spoonfeeding Neymar and has asked him to fend for himself in the next one hell-of-a-glamorous month – now that Jennifer Lopez has agreed to perform at the opening ceremony due to Happ’s insistence. Taking note of the fact that Happ is now free from any commitments, the ISRO has roped him to play a kind-of football in space. Football and Happening’s telepathic superpower is the basis for this selection. The ISRO wants Happening to nudge India’s Mars Orbiter – Mangalyaan a tad closer to Mars. It’s not a routine operation. A great degree of precision is required in calculating and correctly firing the four small rocket engines on board the spacecraft in the exact direction for precisely 16 seconds — a high-pressure task capable of being executed flawlessly with Happening’s just one of the superhuman capabilities where he’ll communicate with Mangalyaan’s rocket engines telepathically and play with them like a football — a task which if fails would make the Rs 450 Crore satellite get lost in space rendering the highly prestigious Mars mission a dud unless, of course, it’s cast in Gravity 2.

Just another one of those heroic acts of Happ for which he has earned the rightful title ‘The Megahero of Superheroes’.