Happening Pigeon

Sudden downpour at the beginning of the year wreaked havoc with Happ’s health for the past few days. Since he is despicably poor, Happ was forced to wear wet clothes the next day. He got so high a fever that he started coughing and sneezing coins! That’s right. It’s just one of his superpowers – whenever he’s ill, he coughs or sneezes coins! He makes money when he’s unwell!

Anyway, Happ has been regularly spotted with his pigeon in a number of cities recently, making everyone take note of his newfound transportation mode. This has hurt the egos of tech and travel companies across the globe. It is absolutely astounding to see some of the biggest of them going out of their ways to make Happ adopt the use of a smartphone. Since the day Happ started using his multi-purpose pigeon, these companies are fearing being deserted by their customers. In an attempt to avoid that, they have been making great strides in technology to rope Happ back in. Let’s look at a few of them:

1. Google: Google has said that it’ll bring out new updates to its Translate app. Google Translate, in the future, will have the capacity to auto-recognize popular languages and translate them into text in real time! That’ not it. It will also let you capture snapshots of signs, menus and so on, and then translate it onscreen. What they don’t know is that Happ’s pigeon, in addition to all these features also translates the language of animals! Do you think Google Translate does that?
2. WhatsApp: They are saying that their app will soon have a voice-calling facility. But do they know that Happ already talks with others through his pigeon? Happ also freely messages others and receives the same without the need of any blue-coloured double-tick marks through his pigeon!
3. In an attempt to make Happ travel by air, the Tata Group and Singapore Airlines’ JV Vistara took to the skies on  Friday from Delhi to Mumbai. However they made two mistakes: Firstly, Happ lives in Bangalore. How can they even expect the highly respected Happ to offload halfway in Mumbai? And secondly, they’re too late. Happ has now got a pigeon for his transportation needs after his Dust Particle was confiscated by the Indian Government. You have got to be really fast to impress Happ or else you won’t have a chance.

As the news of Happ’s pigeon spread far and wide, India started witnessing a rise in the visits of migratory birds. Just one of the examples being that the Chilika Lake has seen a marginal increase in the migratory bird population from 7.19 lakh birds in 2014 to 7.61 lakh in 2015. About 172 species instead of the 158 species an year ago. This should easily be attributed to Happ’s threat to vultures and also the fact that Happ himself has a bird in his house.

The Department of Industrial Policy and Promotion, seeing Happ more often these days, has big plans to rope in some investment into India. They plan to persuade the US to invest in India during the Make in India Show in Washington on January 20. They expect more companies to invest in India following Happ’s heroics. This also gives the Americans a chance to placate Happ after Kim Kardashian had cancelled her visit to India.

On the sports side, Lionel Messi has denied that he is leaving Barcelona. It should be noted that Happ’s protege Neymar also plays for the same team. Naturally, it makes sense for Messi to learn from Neymar all the tricks taught to him by Happ.

When most of the things go well, some definitely do not, right? That’s what happens with Happ’s life everyday. Though it was a good day for him, the Journal of the American Heart Association has published a study saying that almonds help to reduce belly fat. Just one of the many incidents which break his heart on a day to day basis.

Haplessness at one of its depths

After Kim Kardashian cancelled her visit to India, Happ got himself immersed in his own world as he couldn’t take this narcissistic publicity stunt. He got busy in gardening.

However, for these past two weeks, he saw a very peculiar activity in his garden – a number of his earthworms suddenly coming to the soil and falling prey to the group of vultures who never fail to seek vengeance from him. A flashback in his dreams – a log of his past activities – made him realize that he had used a few fertilizers manufactured by Mangalore Chemicals and Fertilizers. As soon as the word spread about this, today Vijay Mallya resigned as the Director of Mangalore Chemicals and Fertilizers.

However, no amount of resignations can pacify Happ. As a consequence of this, when Maruti Suzuki invited him to test drive their car Ciaz, Happ vented out his anger on its clutch. He kicked the clutch so hard, so hard that the ripple effect was seen in the other 3,796 Ciazes on the roads of India. Maruti Suzuki had to call back all these cars for repairs.

Just one of the instances which shows what Happ is capable of doing when he’s angry.

A Happening Comeback

Remember two months back when Happ simmered down in the sewers of Bangalore to invent a travel device?

Don’t? Then here’s a synopsis. The Dust Particle – his travel companion – was confiscated by the government of India, which prompted him to device a breakthrough. At the same time his pet goldfish – Goldilocks had laid an egg thus giving birth to a Pigeon! Sadly it flew off in its quest for adventure leaving the hapless Happ all by himself to invent a transportation device. Well… that was the story back then.

And for the next two months, he was in there… in the sewers… isolated from the world… in his pursuit of being the next Wright Brothers. Being in the sewer also helped him avoid all the hoopla surrounding Bang Bang. With all the scraps he could collect from the thieves of the locality (after handing them over to the police of course), he went all out in to make sure he invented a device no one could dare to confiscate. He also watched all the Iron Man movies for inspiration. However, all the cockroaches and rodents from the sewers came out onto the surface as they couldn’t bear Happening rapping Eminem’s ‘Lose Yourself’ day in and day out. The unprecedented rains of Bangalore however took a toll on their population rendering them almost close to extinction! See, how Happ contributed to the Swachh Bharat Abhiyan? Not just superficial cleaning but intrinsic cleansing. That’s why everyone loves him – The Megahero of Superheroes!

However, in the solitude of the sewage, Happ developed a highly keen sense of hearing – his hearing became more sensitive than a dog and a cat combined. His eyesight has also bettered. It’s more powerful than a golden eagle’s.

One day, in this time of isolation in the sewers, he started hearing his name “Happ, Happ. Come up. Come up” constantly. He thought that he was out of his mind. Yet he kept on devising his stuff until the rainfall started seeping into the sewer leaving most of the scraps as rust. Halfheartedly he gave up his quest and went to his home only to find a guest waiting for him. The Pigeon. Yeah…that one. Goldilocks’ child. It had become a beauty in itself with radium-like sheeny eyes, colour-changing feathers and graceful-swifty moves. It apologised to Happ for leaving him when Happ was depressed. Yes, it talked. However, turns out that it was doing its duty by going around the world and remembering all the routes in each and every country. The Pigeon was brought down, it seems, by god to serve Happ as his transportation vehicle. It can change its size – from a normal pigeon size to an ostrich size. It was also capable of receiving telecom and radio rays through its eyes and communicating the message through its mouth, and passing Happ’s voice through its ears across the spectrum. This solved all of Happ’s worries regarding transportation with an added benefit of a communication device!

After bonding with his Pigeon, Happ was finally taking a stroll across the skylines of Bangalore yesterday when he saw a bunch of college kids looking at the picture of a naked woman on their phones. Happ, more than 40 feet above the city, saw the caption which read ‘Kim Kardashian on Paper’. Straight from his Pigeon throne, Happ questioned himself “Who is Kim Kardashian?”. Just to himself.

And today, the epitome of narcissism confirmed that she’s coming to India this Saturday on Big Boss. No prizes for guessing the reason of her visit, is there?