Bang Bang on Happlist

Okay. It has been enough. It was on the 2nd of July that Happening Babua was fascinated by something unusual – The poster for the Hrithik Roshan and Katrina Kaif starrer Bang Bang. Apparently, according to various news channels, they re-defined hotness in Bollywood with their nuclear chemistry. But today, it has made it to his personal blacklist aka Happlist.

 

Why? Here’re the reasons organised by Happ:

Reason 1: The Poster

At a time when the entire India was captivated by this highly-photoshopped poster of a flop hollywood rip-off with its random people on speedboats and water scooters, a plane, loads of water, loads of spray, water-explosion and of course the stars with their shiny bodies, Happening was wondering why was Hrithik glaring at Katrina’s nose? Is it really more impressive than more impressive cleavage from close quarters? And more importantly, why the hell were her eyes closed?

After an exhausting investigation which was carried out for 16 hours, Happ finally had the breakthrough. He applied some heavy-duty make-up on his eyelids — eye shadow, eyeliner, fake eyelashes etc. This made it impossible for him to lift his eyelids to look at himself in the mirror. And that’s the reason, he concluded, why Katrina had lowered her eyes and couldn’t return Hrithik’s glare. By the way, it was only after 3 days that Happening could open his eyes again. Exhaustion had taken its toll on him.  This irked him like hell! That was the first bullet.

Reason 2: Then came the trailer. Oh…the trailer

Reason 2.1: The Dream Steal

Hrithik taking a tour of the city’s rooftops while the cars are blowing up everywhere. Hey this is Happ’s everyday dream. How did they steal something which he dreams of everyday? If only there was a Dream Copyright Law, the situation would have prevented the movie from being made… or better still, Happ getting paid for the idea.

Reason 2.2: Gravity-defying Hair Gel

Katrina falling on the floor from a respectable height, or getting thrown around a car which is getting hammered with bullets, doing a somersault on a bike and firing a gun…. and her hair? Always ramp-ready!

And what about Hrithik’s? He hangs mid-air, jumps off cliffs, drives cars, shoots people and rolls on grime — again such well-behaved hair!

And the secret to this is the palm oil… produced from a palm tree which was tended by Happ since the past 4 years. And last year, the tree went missing – along with its roots. Happ is sure that the makers of Bang Bang have got something to do with this.

Reason 2.3: Car Wipeout

Beautiful cars being driven maniacally and then being destroyed! Happening had to be bailed out by the Indian Government for not repaying the loan for his second-hand bicycle due to the economic downturn. And here? These guys have upped Rohit Shetty’s legacy!

Reason 3: The Music Videos

Reason 3.1: Katrina’s Legs

How can a pair of legs play such a big part of a music video? Recall Meherbaan? Why do they get so much exposure? When Happening last visited the beaches of Goa in his bermuda, the Goan police put up A-certificate boards across the beaches to prevent children and ladies from going there. Is this justice?

Reason 3.2: Bronzifying Bodies

And today was the ultimate nail in the coffin for Happening’s life instigated by Bang Bang’s title song.

Happ had gracefully accepted the ‘shine’ showcased in Meherbaan and Tu Meri. But today, the hapless Happ was almost blinded due to the lights reflecting off Hrithik’s bronze-coloured chest and abs. He just couldn’t bear it. It was like being sprinkled with chilli powder on your eyes. He had to take a break by pouring ice-creams on his eyes. But he never leaves anything unfinished… even if it means that he has to watch a video that can be fatal to his health. So he had to rent a pair of sunglasses to watch the remaining part of the video – a video where it seemed that Hrithik had taken possession of Katrina’s wardrobe.

The bronze body of Hrithik reminded Happ of the days when the government lobbied hard to set up his – Happ’s – bronze statues across India for his deeds to the nation. Being the down-to-earth kind of guy that he is, he had rejected the government’s proposal. However, with the bronze wave captivating India right now, the government is sure to approach him again.

 

Bang Bang surely has made it to Happ’s blacklist today! Will this impact its box office collection? Time will answer.

Happening-ly One

After being out of the limelight for more than two months, Happening Babua was seen again today at a nearby chai shop witnessing the launch of Android One phones. But the important question which remains to be answered is ‘Where was he all this time?’.

 

It dates back to the the 7th of July when Happ’s personal transporter – The Dust Particle was confiscated by the Indian Government.  It was this unforgettable day which made Happ travel through a train and put tremendous mental pressure on him to devise a new mode of instantaneous real-time transportation which no one could confiscate in the future. This is what made him go into hiding and search for all kind of rubbish among the carcasses of cockroaches and lizards in his house. At last he came across an egg laid by his pet fish – Goldilocks. He took care of the egg for a month, while also focussing on his invention, till it hatched. A baby pigeon or squab, as it’s known as, slowly opened its eyes and surprise surprise! – the popcorn seeds nearby started popping soon enough and the baby ate those happily. It was as if it had superpowers. It had the eyeballs capable of emitting radio waves and lazers. This was perfect for a communication device for Happening. A perfect gift from his beloved Goldilocks.  However, it flew away after some days leaving Happ all alone in his quest to invent a transportation device. In his focus to invent the best possible device, he discontinued all of his outside communications and remained in his home.

 

When companies and government needed his help, Happ slipped into the sewage system of his building so that no one could find him. This is when Google decided that it needed to promote the launch of low-cost smartphones so that poor people like Happ could be contacted by the less-important-than-Happ people of the world and solve their issues. This was the basis of the Android One platform where Google saves the manufacturers their time and money by giving them a reference design, which they can use to make smartphones at lower costs. This is targeted at people who want to buy smartphones for the first time in their lives and have no bulgy wallet to do so.

After consulting Happ’s favourite top Indian mobile manufacturers, Google launched their phones today.

 

It’s yet to be seen whether Happ will buy any of these handsets or has come up with something breathtaking in the sewers of Bangalore.