Happening-ly Railways Budget

After yesterday’s train travel by Happening Babua, the Sensex climbed a record high as people thought that Happ is finally satisfied by the services of the Indian Railways and India’s infrastructure. Little did they know the real reason behind this travel.

Anyway, reacting to the optimism on the financial indices, the Government of India immediately announced a new Railway Budget for the year 2014-15 hoping to entice Happ into the world of exotic rail travel and thus inspiring millions of Indians.

So here’s what and why of 5 of the points:

1.       A faster IRCTC

India’s number one e-commerce portal has borne the wrath of Happ since the time it came into existence.  Whenever Happ accessed the site though his PC (a combination of a black and white monitor and a typewriter) the site usually froze to death at the sight of Happ’s pimple ladened face. Having run out of patience after around 23 seconds when Happ finally hammers his typewriter in anger, the IRCTC site politely gets crashed. The government wants to make this site more Happ-friendly thus encouraging him to use trains.

As a fail-safe, there’ll also be provision to book tickets through phone and post offices.

2.       Diamond Quadrilateral

Now that The Dust Particle has been confiscated by the government, it is their duty to make sure that the ever-busy Happ travels effortlessly across the lengths and breadths of the country so that he can reach on time for all the public functions like inaugurating a shop, examining the seacoast for tortoise eggs, holidaying inside the gullies of India etc. To facilitate this, all the major metros will be connected through high speed trains which still fall short of Happ’s preferred speed of Mach 3.

3.       Bullet trains

To alleviate the travel of the people of Ahmedabad to Mumbai before they are unceremoniously sent back again due to the non-maharashtrian mentality, there’ll be Bullet trains between these 2 cities. This will also halt Happ’s intervention in stopping the community fights as more people usually end up in the hospitals because of Happ compared to when they’re left alone to fight.

4.       Cleaner trains

Happ has been the biggest victim of botched cleanliness on trains and platforms as he holds the record for the most number of nose fractures after stepping on banana peels in these places.  Seeing their idol going through this, even his followers followed his footsteps last year thus taking up all the hospital rooms throughout the country. The government wants to avoid this situation at any cost.

5.       Station alerts

Even though Happ’s melodic snores keep the passengers on their toes throughout the journey, Happ usually misses his stations on a highly regular basis- in other words- always. Thus he’ll get mobile alerts on his phone when he arrives at his destination. But will it be effective, at a time when even the train horns have proved pathetic, is yet to be gauged.

The Budget Session Negligence

The moment he heard the helpless crunch across the ocean of his protégé Neymar’s back cracking like a wafer, Happening Babua vowed to seek vengeance by crippling whoever the shamelessly-irresponsible player from Columbia was. He called upon The Dust Particle to take him straight down to Brazil so that justice can be done… justice which even FIFA has failed to bring about. But anticipating the international conflicts because of whatever Happ was about to do, the Indian government confiscated The Dust Particle making Happ’s travel plans a washout.

Furious at the turn of the events, Happening did not respond to anyone for a day until he was called to attend the 1st day of the budget session of Lok Sabha in New Delhi. This was a goodwill gesture by the government to placate Happ and also a way to take his mind off the World Cup. With a new-found hope to witness something profoundly different, something spectacular, Happ flew over there by piloting a private airline as a freelancer and sat in the session. But alas, as it turned out to be, it was the same. The government taking a stand and the opposition creating a ruckus…. something every Indian is used to see on the television since childhood and sometimes even for family entertainment during get-togethers. However, this time in the parliament even though the parties are the same, the roles are different.

Dejected by the session, which was meant to check the rising prices but instead turned into a focus area for something called as the Leader of Opposition, Happening decided to leave for Bangalore mid-way after lunch from the nearest canteen filled with the stench of black money trickling down the pockets of most of these white-clothed people who rule the country (so as to say).

Now that his The Dust Particle had been confiscated, Happening no longer had the luxury of a private mode of travel. Hence he decided to try out something which he hadn’t done since the Zinedine Zidane headbutt incident in the 2006 World Cup… an aggressive gesture invented and taught by Happening which had caused an international uproar when it came under the limelight unexpectedly. That was the last time Happening sat in a  train… as people literally wet their pants anticipating the same manoeuvre from him if anything untoward happened. But today, after a long break Happening finally decided to take a train. He decided to take a 3rd tier AC instead of the Sleeper class which is now notoriously known for alien travellers like rats, snakes and even goats or sheep. Being a yoga enthusiast, Happ straight away settled for the top birth as he has all the combination of reptilian, avian and simian manoeuvres which other humans have lost without a damn, largely due to evolution.

Now it’s all about forgetting this unforgettable day and devising a new mode of instantaneous real-time transportation for the hapless Happ which no one can confiscate in the future.