The Power Outage Mode

“A new day…a new beginning”, thought Happening Babua this morning. Staying at his friends’ house for the opening ceremony of his Chai Shop, Happening decided to finally take a bath after setting his all-time-high-record of the biggest bath between baths. His last bath was on the day of Holi when all the street kids decided to tease him by wearing ‘We Love Rajinikanth’ T-shirts and squirted him with aam-ras. Also he wanted to take bath to wash off all of his anger because of the last night’s argument with his friend regarding whether Batman is a real superhero or not. The intense argument lasted 3 hours which also resulted in the neighbours calling the Delhi Police notifying them about a possible murder about to happen. The ridiculously meaningless meaningful argument was finally decided by tossing a coin which had resulted in the hapless Happ losing the argument. After that when his friend offered him a cup of Hajmola-ladened tea with 45% latte, the hapless Happ dislocated his little finger by holding it out too far while holding the cup (as if the trauma of the day was not enough for him). And if that was not enough, the hapless Happ’s eyes started paining because of the brightness setting of the black and white TV in the house before he finally went off to sleep.

However, leaving everything behind, the helpless Hap took a long bath after which he brushed his teeth with a Neem twig. After an intense 37 minute decision-making struggle about which plug point to use for the hair-dryer, when he finally decided to use the one near the window, the lights went off. Offffff…poor hapless Happ!!! Really sad turn of events today too. But the optimist that he is, he decided to go to the terrace and get his hair dried naturally. And getting Vitamin D in the morning for free was like a cherry on the ice-cream. Ohh…about the ice-cream in the fridge…oh no…they are equivalent of sweet milk now.

Trying to wipe his tears due to the unfortunate turn of events, he noticed a bunch of kids on the street playing Cricket wearing the same Rajinikanth T-shirts. It was then that he decided to seek revenge – a vengeance which will put him on par with the makers of The Conjuring. He decided to tell them a number of horror stories he made while watching IPL recently.
It has been 5 hours, and the kids seem to be enjoying the story telling session. Poor hapless Happ will be better off becoming a comedy story-teller one day.

Brand India Rejuvenation

Today President Pranab Mukherjee addressed a joint session of parliament highlighting some important points which the new government will try to fulfill. But did you know why those points came to be highlighted? Here’re the points and the reasons:

1. ‘Minimum Govt, Maximum Governance’

By reducing the number of ministries tremendously and merging a few ministries, the new government wants to control the nation by having a minimum core group of people who’ll run the country.

Reason: Last year there was a contest named ‘Kaamchors Come Back ’ on the desolate Thar Desert of Rajasthan. The purpose of the contest was to fish out all the earthworms who had come for a sunbath in the sands of Rajasthan from the agrarian land of Punjab. They hadn’t returned back post the three-month vacation they had sought from the Department of Irrigation of Punjab in spite of the repeated calls through the camels. When the government had had it enough it wanted people to extract these kaamchors and hand them over to the Punjab government.  There were just 2 teams remaining which wanted the coveted title of ‘Kaamchor chors’. One was the Democratic Party of College (DPC) and the other one was Killer Haps(KH) led by our beloved Happening Babua aka hapless Hap.

On the final round, the DPC were busy working with a number of small teams on the entire land of the desert looking for the earthworms and the KH, with the cunningness of a fox, went to an Oasis and concentrated all their efforts by digging out a majority of the kaamchors by dividing themselves into a very small number of very small teams.

Seeing the success of hapless Hap’s model of success, the new government is really looking forward to enact this model as a respect to the hapless Hap.

2. Inflation

Containing food inflation will be the topmost priority of the government.

Reason: While returning the earthworms,the KH got so furious with the lackadaisical kaamchors that they manhandled a few of them by throwing them in the air to play catch-catch with the Vultures who had come to devour hapless Hap’s patented ‘Strawberry-Neem seed hot coffee fudge’ if they lose. That was a bet…it’s an entirely different and unrelated story though. The catch-catch led to an only one directional catch play where the vultures kidnapped most of the earthworms and tried to assault the helpless Hap. This had eventually led to the rising food prices of India as the living earthworms swore not to reproduce because they feared hapless Hap’s atrocities against their children would put their community in a bad light in front of the ‘Red Tiger Worms’. Being as headstrong as the hapless Hap, the government thinks that food inflation is the most major issue to tackle right now.

3. Defence

The government will encourage private investments in defence production, and also liberalise FDI in defence production.

Reason: Because of the kidnappings of the valuable kaamchors last year and also the assault attempt on the hapless Hap, the government has decided to protect the humans of India by modernising the armed forces, including addressing the issue of manpower shortages and the importance of coastal security​ as the vultures were last seen flying to the Lakshadweep islands. A national maritime authority is slated to be set up, and the government will construct a national war memorial too. It will also appoint a veterans commission to address their grievances. The government will pursue a policy of zero tolerance towards terrorism and religious extremism​ against Indians and most importantly the hapless Hap.

4. Environment

Environmental issues are also a priority on the government’s agenda. Water conservation will be on top of the list.

Reason: Looking at hapless Hap’s transparent body in the summers due to lack of drinking water and his stubbornness to drink water only from natural sources the government has decided that each drop of water is precious. The government is committed to provide water security and will launch Pradhan Mantri Krishi Sinchai Yojana. The government’s Swachch Bharat Mission is also aimed at being part of the same agenda. Considering our national heritage, a National Mission on Himalayas is to be launched. Also, the cleaning and rejuvenation of the River Ganga is a top priority, to ensure perennial flow in the river so that the hapless Hap can quench his thirst whenever he visits North or East India.

5. Infrastructure

The government will chalk out an ambitious infrastructure development program, with new projects aimed at developing smaller areas.

Reason:The hapless Hap has always made it a point to travel on his proprietary ‘The Dust Particle’ through radio waves for all his travel needs. In order to encourage him to ditch his mode and mix around with people, the government is to revamp the railways, including the launch of a diamond quadrilateral project for high-speed trains, as the hapless Hap is a damn impatient person. In the aviation industry, low cost airports will be developed to promote air connectivity to smaller towns which so far have been avoided by the hapless Hap​. A broadband highway to every village is also on the cards.

The Transformation Efficacy

I took the blank newspaper which arrived at my doorstep in the morning and inserted it into the USB port of my laptop. The game “The Great Indian Tamasha” starts to load. Now here’s the thing about this game. The main character of this game, the first and the one and only virtual superhero on this planet, Happening Babua creates sensations in whatever he does and thus makes the headlines of India as well as the world. The entire journalism sector is centered on the acts of Happening Babua (HaBa).

The game has finally loaded now. At last, it has been raining cats and dogs in Bangalore and HaBa, lying on a puddle of water on the terrace of his haunted-looking building,  has soaked in all the raindrops which dripped into his mouth. Since his internal organs are lined with sponge, he’ll have a store of water-energy for a considerable amount of time. His physical appearance has also changed drastically. Just like Raisin turning into Grape, his pale white complexion has taken a turn towards a pinkish one due to the consumption of his healthiest diet and has developed another ab – 4 now instead of yesterday’s 3!!!

After seeing his new-found-skin-complexion in his amoeba-shaped mirror he is so happy that he has decided to travel to Delhi on his personal vehicle-The Dust Particle to thank the Met Department officials for their on-the-spot rain prophecy. This has now also resulted in lowering the Stress Level Meter in the Met Department as they can now stay alive without any fear of getting assaulted by HaBa’s acid-spit.

On his way out of the department, he sees Prime Minister NaMo giving blessings to the MPs as they were touching his feet. When NaMo saw that HaBa is watching him, he immediately calls for a meeting in the Central Hall of Parliament and asks all the MPs not to touch his feet or that of any other senior leader anytime and rather be punctual and prepared for all the sessions; a reference to HaBa’s exquisite punctuality and his preparedness of bringing a bottle of Bangalore’s rainwater for the Met officials to taste.

And in addition to this, it’s worth noting that Flipkart’s promise to get the MotoE on the site by 11 AM is the total opposite of how seriously HaBa takes his words. HaBa is already thinking of going and convincing the government to immediately implement FDI in eCommerce to teach Flipkart a lesson. In spite of his regular purchase of scented candles to lighten up his house while at the same time getting rid of the stink of the carcasses of cockroaches and lizards, Flipkart hasn’t learnt how loyal HaBa has been to them till now.

But poor HaBa…and I mean literally poor…as in pauper. He has to book an LPG cylinder before the next month so that he can enjoy his patented pudding-Strawberry-Neem seed hot coffee fudge-at the same price as they’ll be dear next month.

And on a different note; seeing the healthy-looking HaBa at his pink, the NSE and the BSE both touched an all time high despite SEBI’s accusation of L&T Finance’s involvement in insider trading which didn’t really deter anyone.

The Monsoon Prophecy

I took the blank newspaper which arrived at my doorstep in the morning and inserted it into the USB port of my laptop. The game “The Great Indian Tamasha of Happening Babua” starts to load. Now here’s the thing about this game. The main character of this game, the first and the one and only virtual superhero on this planet, Happening Babua creates sensations in whatever he does and thus makes the headlines of India as well as the world. The entire journalism sector is centered on the acts of Happening Babua.

The game has finally loaded now. On the barren lands of the cracked earth Happening Babua is anxious to know when he’ll be able to drink water. He never drinks water from the taps, bottles, glasses etc. It adds a kind of artificial taste which he so loathes and is sensed immediately by his sophisticated taste buds made of Nickel resulting in the water turning into acid in his mouth. That’s just one of his super powers.  Thus, in the eager anticipation of drinking water directly from the skies, he goes straight to New Delhi at the speed of Mach 3 on his personal emergency travel vehicle- The Dust Particle- and threatens to destroy the Weather Department with his acid laden spit unless they tell him when the monsoon is going to arrive. Panic stricken, the officials have given him a time of 24 hours for the arrival of monsoon in South India and have since vacated their offices and homes in case they have to face the wrath of the unpredictable Happening as he has nothing else to do if the prophecy is not true. As a result of this monsoon news, the Nifty hits the highest level in more than a week.

In order to celebrate the World Environment today, Happening plants a sapling in the middle of the Indian Ocean with cameras to detect some illegal activities and keep them in check, seeing which even Prime Minister Narendra Modi pledged to save mother earth. And in order to make the political environment also stronger he led the newly elected MPs take oath in the 16th Lok Sabha. This should take Happening’s mind away from his water crises and he calls the US president Barack Obama to meet Modi and mend the Indo-US relationship which was long due. This will now result in NaMo visiting US in September after seeking blessings from Happpening.

On the way out of the Met Department, he comes across Shekhar Gupta. Their interaction actually dates back to 2nd June, ie 3 days ago, when Happening was in a mood to read a newspaper in the afternoon after his futile search for dark clouds in the sky. Tiredness comparable to the most active snail on this planet, he selected Indian Express to read. Suddenly a fly came from nowhere and sat on his nose which prompted him to squash it to a horrible Final Destination-like death with the newspaper. He returned the blood-stained paper back to the vendor and selected a magazine and went home instead. Once this incident spread like wildfire in the evening, Editor-in-chief of the Indian Express Shekhar Gupta resigned as he felt that he was not effective in keeping Happening’s reading interest. On the 3rd, he went to Happening’s home and pleaded him to disclose which news magazine he had bought. After finding out that it was India Today that Happening turned to read news, Shekhar Gupta went to their office to become their Vice-Chairman and has vowed never to let Happening down again. Just one thing. Just one little thing or incident or action or decision of Happening. Enough to steer people in different directions.Back to the current moment,  Shekhar who had tears rolling down his eyes by now sought blessings from Happening and gave him a lift to France in his private plane. Seeing Happening on the front row, Maria Sharapova got so excited that she just finished the semi-final game off by winning it and came running towards Happening to take his autograph, which he so reluctantly obliged as he is not used to being looked upon a lot. In spite of his heroic acts to this nation the children of India still consider him to be the second best superhero after Rajinikanth, which Happening has finally come to terms with. After giving the autograph to Maria, he immediately flew straight to Amazon’s office in US  to unveil a video of a 3D holographic phone. He’d rather not disclose that it was actually his brainchild as this would disappoint all the children back home in India who would have to come to terms with the fact that Happening Babua is the real ultra-super hero of the world and Rajinikanth is nothing in front of him. Happening has such a big heart.

After coming back to New Delhi, he was so happy with the service that he made the Airport Council International (ACI) declare the Delhi Airport to be the 2nd best in the world…you know as he’s now comfortable with the 2nd best superhero tag. His presence was so scintillating that they ultimately forgot that this airport is actually a lake during monsoons. But anyway the awards stand as of now.

Happening is finally now back to his home and staring at the terrace to lick the first drops of rain.